S5E11 I Just Want to be Heard- A Conversation with Sharon Deering Williford

How language, identity, and patience shape our healing and humanity.

In this deeply personal episode, Sharon Williford returns to the podcast nearly five years after her first appearance. Then, she was freshly navigating life after a massive stroke that left her with severe aphasia—a loss of language that profoundly impacted how she communicated and how others saw her.

Now, years later, Sharon shares her ongoing journey: the challenges of expressing herself, the patience required to rebuild identity through language, and the surprising strength found in simply being heard.

Contact Norah :
fluencyconsulting@gmail.com

Website: https://fluency.consulting
Your journey to discover the richness of language starts here. Join us on the website and embark on a learning adventure like never before!

Social Media Platforms :
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FluencyConsultingLLC
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fluency_consulting/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NorahLulicJones
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/fluency-norah-jones

Transcript

0:00:00.4 Norah Jones: We each want to make ourselves heard. In this podcast, in our lives, in our world, we have people crying out, listen to me. I'm right here in front of you, and I want to be heard. I have experiences like you do. They may be different from yours. Learn. Don't hate change. Don't be afraid of my experiences. They don't make you change. You can hear my experiences. You can let them go, and you can learn a bit from them and make you more of who you are. I have opinions, perspectives, reactions, as do you. Don't be afraid of my opinions and perspectives and reactions. They don't make you change. You can hear, let go, learn a little bit from them, make you more of who you are. I have an identity that comes from reflecting every day, consciously or unconsciously, on my experiences, my reactions, my perspectives. I reflect inside by using language, and the people around me use language about me and about themselves and about the world. Language is the tool I use to find out who I am, and language is the tool I use to share myself with you and to share myself with myself.

0:01:53.7 Norah Jones: If it's about us as humans, it's about language. Sharon Williford is my guest today, and she was my first guest in the first episode of It's About Language, September 2020. 136 episodes later, I've invited her back. She's now eight years out from a massive stroke that left her with severe aphasia, that is, loss of language. And if you have not done so, I invite you to listen to that first episode, where she's struggling with the recuperation of language and thereby recuperation with how she expresses the identity that is still in her, the experiences, the opinions, the perspectives that she still has, but that language has difficulty expressing, and what that meant to her, with her identity and how people perceived her. Sharon shares again here, five years later, the profound insights that come from still dealing with vestiges of aphasia. With changes in her life that will probably never return to what they were. And she shares how language is engaged with every aspect of this, the sharing of experiences, and who hears her, listens to her, cares to understand her, and who does not. Enjoy this conversation with my guest, Sharon Williford. It's been four and a half years, all sorts of life events going on then, and of course, we were focusing on the work that you were doing with getting your language back. How is all that going, wherever you want to start?

0:04:08.3 Sharon Williford: It's going well. It's not as well as I expected. I still have trouble, but it's better than it was, for sure. I have to work harder at it. That's the thing.  I thought that eventually it would be easy. It's not easy.

0:04:29.1 Norah Jones: Not easy, not easy. What are some of the things when you say, I have to work harder at it?

0:04:35.0 Sharon Williford: Everything. It's really everything. For example, I have to work harder at remembering things. I have to work harder at expressing myself. Everything is harder.

0:04:55.3 Norah Jones: Isn't that interesting? So, remembering, and then also putting it together in a language sequence. Am I saying that right?

0:05:04.1 Sharon Williford: Yes, yes.

0:05:06.4 Norah Jones: Wow.

0:05:08.5 Sharon Williford: So, like I said, everything is harder, and so it takes longer. I think something should be fast, and it's not fast.

0:05:23.1 Norah Jones: Well, and actually, it's interesting because you mentioned the speed, and when we talked, goodness gracious, September of 2020, part of what you were talking about then was people not, or you wishing that they would have, given you just plain old more time.

0:05:44.9 Sharon Williford: Yeah.

0:05:45.9 Norah Jones: How is it happening then with the people that you meet, the people that you're working with on a regular basis? How is that level of, listen to me, wait a minute, how has that progressed and where might there still be blockages?

0:06:04.8 Sharon Williford: Well, it starts with my husband because I remarried. And he doesn't wait for me to say what I want to say. I have to say, stop, wait.

0:06:24.0 Norah Jones: So you get lots of practice right at home.

0:06:26.4 Sharon Williford: Right at home. And then from there, I can do what I want to. So, but it's interesting because he, it's hard. Well, it's partly good in the fact that he doesn't think he needs to wait. So that's a good side. But at the same time, I need him to wait.

0:06:56.9 Norah Jones: Interesting. Interesting. Well, isn't that fascinating? And it really does kind of, if I may say it this way, kind of toughen you up a little bit there, right? When you go out and you get Sharon, you were engaged with thinking about over these years that we've stayed in contact since the podcast and certainly  since the stroke of how people deal with strokes and how you had a vision of ways of helping people have hope. What are some of the pathways that you've been down either keeping that thought or how have you perhaps modified what you do with incorporating your experience into your daily life, into what you're bringing to others?

0:07:44.1 Sharon Williford: Well, again, everything takes longer. And so I find myself, I get tired easily and I just, I don't have time to think about those things much. Just now I'm beginning to think about those things again. It was a nice thought that I could help people have hope, but I just was getting from one day to the next. And only now have I gotten where, again, I have a hope to have hope. I hope to have people have hope again, but I didn't think about that for a long time.

0:08:45.4 Norah Jones: Just working on your own needs then.

0:08:48.4 Sharon Williford: Yes, it was for a fact. It's okay.

0:08:51.6 Norah Jones: What are some of the ways that you have been working then? What are some, be it therapeutic, official therapeutic stuff or your own individual work?

0:09:02.3 Sharon Williford: Yeah, I've finished my therapy out of one year. After that, it's just been some, whatever I think I can work on. Sometimes I find that I'm too quiet, which is very unusual for me.

0:09:31.7 Norah Jones: You notice you're more quiet than the normal Sharon would be, right?

0:09:35.5 Sharon Williford: Yes. And so it's because I'm afraid to speak out. Sometimes because I'm afraid I'll trip up, and sometimes it's whoever is the interlocutor doesn't let me have time. So it's different things. But for that reason, I'm very quiet.

0:09:58.9 Norah Jones: How do you approach people that have reason to be with you for a while, say, versus someone that you're passing in the street or passing in a store? Someone who is going to be spending more time with you. How do you help them to potentially understand your needs in communication so that you can?

0:10:25.5 Sharon Williford: Yeah. It's interesting. We had a seminary professor here. We just finally just said we're going to do this even if I can't talk. The wife was very understanding about that. She didn't know how to exactly do it, but she was very understanding and she tried. And that was an encouragement to me. Eventually, with time, she understood more about how to have me as a conversationalist. And she got better and better as time went on. And it's just a question of I have to have the patience to do that every time. But I do. And that's It works out well, I think.

0:11:35.3 Norah Jones: That's a huge experience for you. I mean, that's got to be a practice that I suppose periodically you'd like to throw up your hands.

0:11:47.4 Sharon Williford: Yes, I would. But I have to be patient. And just every time I meet somebody new, I have to go over it again. And that's all right. I get practice that way. And also, like I said, I get practice that way. And I get more practice doing what I need to do.

0:12:28.8 Norah Jones: The question I have for you, Sharon, about that, you have met many people where you, as you just said, are explaining, giving them an idea of what they are going to be experiencing with you and what to expect. What items that you have shared do you find are the most help for people to understand, are the most effective ways of looking at it for them in the experience that you have had that way?

0:13:06.5 Sharon Williford: Yeah. Okay. I think that the most I can do is be patient. And every time I meet a new person, I have to remember that for them it's new. For me, it's not new. It's old. And I would like to get on with things. But for her or him, it's new. And so whenever I'm, for example, when I was in the hospital not too long ago, and the nurses and doctors came in, and I had to explain to them every time. But they were very understanding. And so it was encouraging, I think, for that. And, of course, the seminary professor that I told you about, now, he was not so, he was interested in Bob. He was interested in, and so we almost had two separate conversations, which is very confusing for me. Yeah, because I was listening to them and also at the same time talking to her. And usually  that's easy, but not after the stroke. So I had to just go back and forth.

0:15:16.7 Norah Jones: Have you come across, can you share a story of someone where they, in finding what you were working with, that it was a breakthrough for them?

0:15:31.4 Sharon Williford: In Sunday school, there's the director, and she had a, not a breakthrough exactly, but she was enlightened, I would say that, by the fact that, well, I'm not sure what  the fact that I fought, I guess, to make myself heard and to, yeah, to make myself heard. And she was not rude, that's not what I'm saying. She was enlightened by the fact that I made myself heard, even though maybe I didn't, well, sometimes I didn't want to  I was tired or something like that. And so, anyway, I think she was, enlightened is all the word I can think of. And so for that reason, she became a better friend.

0:17:31.3 Norah Jones: Interesting. That was not necessarily the next sentence I was expecting. But as a result, she became a better friend.

0:17:41.3 Sharon Williford: Yes.

0:17:41.8 Norah Jones: Interesting. You said something so powerful. You said several powerful things, but one of the powerful things you said there was that to make yourself heard almost came as a surprise.

0:17:59.2 Sharon Williford: Yes.

0:18:00.3 Norah Jones: And it strikes me that that's something that can happen to basically anyone that you meet on the street or folks in general. Are they surprised that you want to make yourself heard?

0:18:13.8 Sharon Williford: Yes.

0:18:16.2 Norah Jones: Fascinating.

0:18:19.0 Sharon Williford: Very much so. I don't know why exactly, but that's always the case.

0:18:32.8 Norah Jones: Wow. That's always the case.

0:18:37.9 Sharon Williford: For somebody new, it's always the case.

0:18:39.5 Norah Jones: Why do you think that's so? You said I don't know why, but I just want the insights that you're having from the experiences.

0:18:47.0 Sharon Williford: I don't know exactly why. I don't know if it's because at first I can't be bothered and I have to make myself heard so that I can't express myself if I don't. And even though I'm very quiet compared to before, which is not really surprising.

0:19:24.0 Norah Jones: Isn't it interesting? It is fascinating to because that's such just an existential kind of statement.  That we need to make ourselves heard. And it takes me back to what you said in the first podcast where you had what you needed inside your head.

0:19:44.3 Sharon Williford: Right.

0:19:46.0 Norah Jones: It was getting it out there and wanting to stop the folks and go, wait a minute, I really do have something to get out here. It's in my head.

0:19:58.2 Sharon Williford: That doesn't happen as much anymore.

0:20:00.3 Norah Jones: Okay.

0:20:01.7 Sharon Williford: I still do have that. But sometimes it's all right. I can get it out maybe more slowly, but I can get it out. And so that I think makes it more, it's just comforting that I can get that out. If I just have time.

0:20:35.1 Norah Jones: That is a powerful word right there. It's comforting. Sharon, you are a linguist and a multilingual person. And part of the experience has been a fascination with what happens to the brain and language. You're suffering with it or you're working with it potentially as I should say better now. What is the role, for example, right now of your Brazilian Portuguese? Is it still there? How does it compare to English?

0:21:09.6 Sharon Williford: It's still there. Part of it is that I've been in the United States for a long time now. And so just that alone without the stroke makes it hard. But it's still there. In fact, I did a video for a person in Brazil who was turning 80. And I was fine as far as getting that out and telling them how glad I was that they were having a birthday and all those things. And so I can do all that. Now, when, okay, I helped serve on a mission board for, it's called Missions 21, which I think everybody was called Missions 21 at that point. But anyway, one of mine is Missions 21. And if you want to say, do something after this podcast, it's missions.21.org. He's coming by, the head of the board is coming by next Friday. I don't know if we'll talk in Portuguese or English. He's very, he is either one. And I have probably had me English right now. But I could talk in Portuguese if he wants to. So we'll see.

0:23:18.3 Norah Jones: Were you saying as far as that video, or potentially even this conversation coming up, that your Portuguese was more fluent than English? Or was it about the same as far as effort?

0:23:33.7 Sharon Williford: No, it was in English now. But again, probably part of it is just that I've been in the United States for so long.

0:23:47.5 Norah Jones: When you take a look at the language aspect, you linguist you, okay? We have vocabulary, concrete vocabulary, abstract vocabulary. We have parts of speech that include verbs. We have syntax and how phrases and sentences are put together. Have you noticed in your contemplation over what you're still working with and what you've been growing, which linguistic aspects seem to have been more affected than others? Which ones are struggles and which ones are simpler, if I can put it that way?

0:24:29.8 Sharon Williford: Everything gets simpler as it goes on. At the beginning, it's really hard. But as I go on, it's like getting back into it. Then, for example, let's see. Bob speaks Spanish, which I don't speak anymore at all. I think my brain just couldn't deal with Spanish and Portuguese and English. And eventually, I just dropped Spanish altogether. I don't know if I could... Probably I could do it if we went to a Spanish-speaking country. I think I would get back into it. But right now, I don't speak it at all. But anyway, he speaks Spanish, and he wants to learn Portuguese. But it's interesting because he's not good at it. He just is not. And so, I try to understand what he's saying and all of those things. And because of that, I get better.

0:26:17.5 Norah Jones: You mentioned that as understanding. And earlier, you said that the comprehension, like when the seminary professor is there and talking with your husband Bob, and here comes his wife, and you guys are talking, and you noted that it's difficult. It's hard in general without having had a stroke effect, I presume, to try to concentrate on one conversation when there's another one you're interested in nearby. But you had mentioned that it gets harder with a stroke to be able to do that paying attention. That receptive skill is also compromised some then, Sharon?

0:27:02.9 Sharon Williford: You mean in Portuguese?

0:27:05.0 Norah Jones: In English, Portuguese, just in general, the concept of the brain?

0:27:08.9 Sharon Williford: No.  I don't have any receptive feel that is compromised. In other words, I understand everything. I just can't get it out again.

0:27:23.7 Norah Jones: Right. But was there a mix in that experience of being in a room where you had a conversation over here and one here a little bit harder than you remember?

0:27:37.5 Sharon Williford: That is hard. Yes, it is hard.

0:27:40.5 Norah Jones: Parsing that out, I guess. Yeah. What has been your biggest delight with those who do know you, family, friends, where your experience of the stroke and your working with it and their attitudes have been something that's been life-giving and health-giving?

0:28:07.5 Sharon Williford: There's been a lot of things. The biggest delight. I think that they accept me as I am. And they laugh a lot. I was talking to my grandson on the phone yesterday. And I was trying to talk to him about electronics, which is just awful. That has nothing to do with the stroke. It's just because.

0:28:55.9 Norah Jones: Not everything is stroke, right? Sometimes it's just not our expertise.

0:29:00.4 Sharon Williford: That's right. And so he just laughed and laughed and laughed, but it was a good laugh. And we hung up very good. So that's, I mean, but I have  I have 12 grandchildren, and it is a delight to talk with any of them all the time. And the three that live here, particularly, Katie is the youngest who lives here, and she is, we pick her up from school. And it's just a delight to talk to her all the time. And she's got something to say all the time. And it's just, they treat me, they just, they don't mind that I've had a stroke. Of course, Katie was little. It was eight years this February that I had the stroke. And so she was very little. And she doesn't remember me without a stroke. And that's interesting, because I sometimes forget that she doesn't remember me that way. But anyway, she just, she doesn't mind it.

0:30:56.6 Norah Jones: It's just part of who you are?

0:30:59.2 Sharon Williford: Yeah. And I can be myself with her because of that.

0:31:05.6 Norah Jones: Says a lot, doesn't it, Sharon, about expectations, what adults, for example, expect of other adults. And therein lies a lot of that impatience. And for you, obviously, to have such an extended, warm family to be with in every possible way, be it close or by phone, etcetera. Tell me, what is it that you think that those grandchildren are learning about stroke, about patients, about expectations that might inform who they become or continue to become as adults?

0:31:48.4 Sharon Williford: Yeah. I think they're learning several things. One is that you have to have patience, especially the older ones, I think. Because they remember me before I had the stroke. And they experience loss. But also, they know me two ways. They know me before the stroke and after the stroke. And they have to know the difference. I would say that's one of the things. But also, I think when they do that, it informs who they become as adults because they have patience that they didn't have. They have a really compassion  and it does inform who they become, for sure. Now, the little ones, they don't know any different. They think I was always this way.

0:34:08.6 Norah Jones: Yeah,  there you go again.

0:34:12.7 Sharon Williford: Mom and children, grandchildren don't know me at all before the stroke, of course. And so they have a different mentality about me than my grandchildren do.

0:34:34.0 Norah Jones: Because of that timing in their lives and your life.

0:34:39.7 Norah Jones: Sharon, as you continue to live your life and enjoy it and continue to communicate and to make sure that people know that you have something to say, I'm also thinking about, you mentioned that you feel like maybe at some point that you can turn to thinking about how you might be helping others. And it just strikes me that between the loss, the learning what loss is and how to live with it, and for you and also for this interesting grandchildren array that demonstrates the two aspects of your life with them, the one where there's expectations that come from pre and one from post and the one that doesn't, that you have a very rich environment of storytelling and of insight that can help many.

0:35:46.5 Sharon Williford: Yeah. I've been thinking about this. I started a, it's called StoryWorks. And it's every week I get a question and then I answer that question. And then the next week I get another one. And that goes on for a year. And I don't know who writes the questions. I think they could do better. But it's something. And within that, I'm beginning to see, well, that I could probably write the question better, but also that I can go deeper. And in that, because it's not just stroke, people do things, they have things happen all the time in any number of ways. And if I could help them see two things, if I could help them see that it's not all bad, and that I could help them see that we're not going to be this way forever, that would be, I think that I would help them a lot that way.

0:37:37.1 Sharon Williford: So I'm thinking about some, I'm not sure exactly, which I say that all the time, and I'm sorry you get tired of that. But it's, but I want to help them discover, no matter what is going on with them, if it's stroke, if it's loss of lives, or whatever, that somehow they can see that it has to be, okay, that it has to be a positive thing. After you go through the grief, that it has to be a positive thing. That, you see what I'm talking about? Okay. In other words, I want to show them that it's not all negative. That there's a positive thing that comes out of this, and you're better for it.

0:39:01.7 Norah Jones: Wow. That's a huge message. And interesting that you have begun to feel that growing in your spirit, in your work, through writing. And we talked about the fact that your writing is fluent in a way that speech is not necessarily fluent. What a powerful gift that is then, to take a look at that here with the StoryWorth.

0:39:36.6 Sharon Williford: And I just, I think I can go, like I said, I can go deeper than just the surface that people often do. And I think it would be well if I did that.

0:39:55.9 Norah Jones: I believe so too, Sharon. I believe that it would be very well indeed and very much of a gift. One of the things that I wonder is this opportunity to share what you have learned in a deeper way. Is there anything else that you would say, Norah, we've chatted again and I want people to come away with the following. I want them to remember also as part of this conversation this.

0:40:37.2 Sharon Williford: People  have bad things happen to them all the time. It's not very fun. But you come out better on the other side. And that is something that you need to remember. Anybody who's listening needs to remember that. You come out better on the other side. It may be a long time, but eventually you come out better. You come out more mature. You come out more compassionate. You come out more with a deeper insight than you have before whatever happened. And so just keep on keeping on. Eventually it will come out not just all right, but better. Wow. And that's what I think. I can't get the pronouns right. Then to remember.

0:42:25.4 Norah Jones: It's just brilliant. And those pronouns, it's interesting. That has been something from the beginning, hasn't it? Pronouns.

0:42:32.8 Sharon Williford: Yes, and I can't. It's all the time. I just can't get it right. It's one of the things that's scrambled up in my head. Apparently it's not going to be anything that I can do anything about except just laugh at it. So that's what I do, is laugh.

0:42:54.6 Norah Jones: And we will do that. And the expectations and patience and coming out better. Thank you, Sharon, for all of your insights, including the ones that can make us laugh indeed. So thanks.

0:43:18.2 Norah Jones: Thank you for listening to this podcast with my friend and returned guest, Sharon, formerly Deering, now Williford. I hope you enjoyed it. And I'd like to invite you to let me know what you thought of It's About Language over these almost five years. If you've had a chance to listen to some or many of the episodes, I would love for you to go to my website, fluency.consulting, and let me know what you thought of the series of episodes, which ones struck you as especially effective, which topics did I not cover that you would have loved to have heard about, which particular issues that you would like to see addressed did you not hear about. I invite you to do that while I take a hiatus from It's About Language production. But language never takes a break. As I record this podcast in June of 2025 in the United States, the power of language has yet again been revealed as important enough to have words forbidden, speech policed, and a naturally multilingual country by history and intent of its founders now told that it has only one official language. But language is all over the globe.

0:45:03.4 Norah Jones: Many languages, both around the world and multi-languages within individuals, help with those experiences, opinions, perspectives, reactions, with that identity that makes us human. I ask, as you go around, be attentive to what you hear. Listen to those that need to be heard and express yourself in a way that helps people to understand your true identity. Again, let me know if you've listened to any episodes of It's About Language and what you might have thought about the series. Let me hear about the impact of language in your life and in the world if you have even a bit of time to go to fluency.consulting and connect up with me. It's been a great honor to produce these 100 plus episodes over these five years, and I look forward to us connecting again through the power of language. Because if it is about us as humans, it is about language.